Haley's Bump
by Matt Evans
Summary: Life is complicated enough for Haley. Her family has more 'steps' than a department store staircase and she just wants to be left to do her own thing. Life is running quite smoothly for her but there is just one little 'bump' on the path.
1. Chapter 1: It's my Life

**Haley's Bump**

**Chapter 1: It's my Life and I'll ruin it if I want to!**

"Why are you always on to me?"

"I am not on to you I am _protecting_ you!"

"Protecting me? Protecting me like a _prisoner_!"

"Well prison is where you're going to be if you don't calm down!"

"I don't care! Prison is probably full of other girls whose mum's wouldn't let the _live a little_!"

"No, it's full of girl's whose mother's didn't stop them from going over the edge!"

Every Friday evening was the same at the Dunphy residence, Claire (the mother) would have stayed home all day running errands, buying groceries, cleaning, preparing an amazing family dinner and have no time for herself at all, Phil (the father) would be at the office until about eight o'clock or even later if he managed to make a sale, Luke (the son) would come home from school and keep himself occupied with everything he is not allowed to do, for example, using the washing line and coat hanger to make a zip wire, jump half naked on the trampoline with a cardboard box on his head or even using his tech-mad father's iPad as an imaginary surfboard, then there's Alex (the youngest daughter) who is very intelligent. She will come home from school to finish off her assignments, do extra-credit or practice for orchestra.

And Last but not least, there's Haley (the oldest daughter) who would have heard about some party that was happening after school which she said she would definitely go to (being the popular socialite of a fashionista that she is) only to find out she had to baby-sit Manny (her "Uncle" which is quite a long story) because his mother Gloria (her Columbian "grandmother" who is even younger than her mother, yet another long story) and his step-dad Jay (Haley's grandfather who got divorced and married a young Columbian woman who already had a son called Manny. Now do you understand this complicated relationship?) were going out somewhere but Haley would always state that Mitch (her Uncle) and Cameron (her Uncle Mitch's partner) could baby-sit but Claire would always say that that would be too much as they have to look after Lily (her uncles' adopted daughter).

So on this very Friday night at about 7.56pm, before her father could have any say in this, Haley had heard of a party and was not going to ask for permission, she was simply going to tell her mum she is _going_, and that's final!

"You're **not **going and that's final!"

"But mum, come on! You never let me go to any parties!"

"I have every right! You are far too young to be drinking, having sex or anything else that goes on in one of these things, how do I know you'll be safe? These boys will trick you into doing things you don't want them to do Haley!"

"They won't if Dylan is around! He's going too!"

"That's all the more reason to stop you from going!"

Dylan is Haley's boyfriend who is a musician but a bit of a slacker.

"Mum, I don't care, tonight I cam going to leave, I am going to that party and I will get drunk and you know what, I will quite happily have sex!"

Claire couldn't believe her ears and Haley couldn't believe her mouth. Claire had to think how to respond in the long silence.

"You know what Haley, okay you go, go have fun, don't mind us! You can even stay there all night! So you go, you go ruin your precious life!"

An even colder silence was broken by Haley's footsteps to the door but before she left she had one more thing to say: "I will mum, you know why? Because it's my Life and I'll ruin it if I want to!"

The door slamming echoed the house, but when door closes another opens, but that door may not lead to a good place.

[Look out for further chapters coming soon, please take the time to write a review. All feedback is greatly appreciated.]


	2. Chapter 2: Shut the hell up

**Haley's Bump**

**Chapter 2: ****Shut the hell up and let me talk!**

Claire sat down in the kitchen with her head in her hands trying to hide from the world. Her son Luke misbehaved but never really did anything serious, he was her baby. Alex was practically an adult even at her age. She could always make intelligent conversations and had that 'talk-show host' wit about her, a very slick sense of humour. But Haley just seemed like such a stereotypical teenage girl. She was born an original but it was clear she will die a copy. Her dress sense, the way she acts, her intelligence (and the lack of it) and even her taste in boys was copied. Haley was put in the paper-stack of a photo copying machine while an attractive, fashionable, unintelligent girl was placed under the lid and copied one thousand times onto many other poor and unfortunate girls.

Lucky for Claire Alex had managed to escape the photo copier but sadly did not avoid the student-made filing cabinet and was unfortunately filed in the 'nerd' draw. Claire didn't believe in the term 'nerd', nobody should. In fact, Claire believed that 'nerd' was sort of a compliment as it described somebody's overwhelming intelligence and obvious destiny of a good job and lifestyle.

But Haley was filed under 'Popular'. So what is 'Popular' exactly? The dictionary on the bookcase at the Dunphy residence states:

**Popular** _adjective_

**1**liked or enjoyed by many people

**2**intended for the general public

Many people at Haley's school would agree that a popular person, like Haley, would fit into definition number one, 'liked or enjoyed by many people'. Isn't that a nice thought? That Claire's daughter was 'liked or enjoyed by many people'? That's not how Claire would see it, she would see that 'Popular' girls have a hairstyle that is liked or enjoyed by the general public, wear clothes that are liked or enjoyed by the general public, wear make-up to make themselves look a certain way that is liked or enjoyed by the general public. But are all popular people in general liked or enjoyed by the general public? The way they act, taunt, abuse and belittle? Claire just couldn't make sense of it all. Some people would say that the opposite of 'Popular' would be 'Unpopular' but Claire saw the opposite of 'Popular' as 'Individual'.

"Hello?"

"Hi Jenny, its Haley"

"Oh hi, so I guess you're ringing to say you can't come, it's okay, I already gave Zack the 'heads up' that you probably wouldn't come so…"

"Well you can tell him not to panic because I'm on my way to your house now!"

"Umm, I hate to break it to you but I was kind of planning on going to Zack's party, but if you want a slumber party I could…

"No I'm not coming over for a slumber party, I'm coming over because you're the same size as me so you'll have the same size clothes"

"Look I don't have anything that's really baby-proof so why don't you just wear an apron if that Lilly girl barfs on you..."

"Seriously Jenny, shut the hell up and let me talk! I'm going to the party"

"Your parents actually let you?"

"Well not exactly, my mum was being a bitch about it yet again telling me all this stuff about my life and blah…blah…blah, basically calling me a sket without actually saying it so I stormed out!"

"Bitchy! Well I do have a few outfits that would look great on you!"

"Okay, I'm about two blocks away from your house, I'll see you in a few minutes"

"Okay, take the long way around, my mum needs help with her bikini wax"

"Hey, deforestation is bad for the environment, think of all the poor animals at the Vagamazon Rainforest that would be killed!"

"Shut up, you don't have the slightest idea of how my mum's vajayjay looks like!"

Haley laughed, "Okay, I'll be there soon!"

It was about quarter past eight when Phil (the father) returned,

"Hey, sorry I'm late but I had to make sure the deposit was in for that five bedroom house downtown I was telling you about because.."

Phil trailed off as soon as he saw Claire with her head in her hands, his expression changed faster than Lady GaGa changes her outfits at her gigs. Usually when Claire had her head in her hands it meant she was stressed from a long day as the life of a stay-at-home mum but he could see she was genuinely sad.

"Hey", Phil walked a little faster too her, "Come on, what…what's happened?" He embraced her as a sign of comfort".

"It's Haley"

"What about her?" Phil's expression changed again, "You didn't let her go to one of those parties did you?"

"I didn't let her"

"Then what's wrong"

"I didn't let her...she just left…and went to a party…Oh Phil, the things she said!" Claire stood up and gave Phil a huge bear hug but Phil had already done another one of his Lady GaGa changes to his expression this time he was sporting a very engaging red faced tense expression that would perfectly match the red carpet, that is of course if he was Lady GaGa excepting an award at the Grammy's or the EMA's but neither of which have a category titled _'Most expression changes by a single male artist'_.

"How…how did this happen?" stuttered Phil.

Claire wasn't crying, her face made it clear she had simply given up, "She just decided to go," She repeated, "The things she said Phil".

Meanwhile, about seven blocks away, a currently semi-naked Haley was choosing one of Jenny's outfits to wear for a party with maybe drugs, maybe arguments, maybe new relationships but definitely Dylan and (just because she felt like making that vein on her mother's forehead pop) definitely dirty, drunken, casual sex!


	3. Chapter 3: I feel 'Alive' tonight

**Haley's Bump**

**Chapter 3:****I feel, I don't know, 'Alive' tonight!**

Phil decided to take over the cooking when he realised how sad Claire was. Claire tried explaining how much cider had to be mixed in with the lamb chops and that the potatoes had to be roasted at the precise temperature but Phil interrupted stating "Don't worry, I'll take care of this, it'll be fine" shortly before he scrapped everything and found four packs of 'STOUFFER'S® Macaroni & Cheese' at the back of the freezer.

Claire sat on the couch with head resting on her arm. She found the remote, the remote she never quite worked out how to use, and looked at it as if it was quantum physics. She tapped it a few times but nothing happened, then she literally pounded the remote until probably the loudest, fastest and most annoying Spanish shopping channel came on:

"Las señoras aceptables y gentelmen nuestro producto siguiente está esta aspiradora para el uso en houshold que va en cientos dólares, yo oye cientos dólares? Oh it' ¡caída de s! ¡Noventa y nueve dólares y centavos agradables del nintey!"

"Phil! Phil!" Phil ran from the microwave and pressed a few buttons until the channel menu appeared. "You had to buy that stupid remote didn't you Phil?" Phil walked back to the kitchen proudly saying "Four thumbs up on !" Claire slumped back onto the couch, "I wonder if Gloria watches that channel…"

It was getting dark, a few blocks away Jenny and Haley were leaving to attend the party, Jenny was wearing skinny jeans and a fitted top, a sort of casual look but Haley was wearing high shorts and a fitted boob-tube and high heels like daggers. Haley had pockets in the shorts and Jenny was holding a clutch bag with a small chain on it.

"Jenny, can we go this way?" as she gestured towards a street to the right with a McDonalds, AT&T store and a 7 Eleven on it.

"Why? You want a drink from McD's? 'Cause I got a water bottle full o' whisky in my bag somewhere". Jenny had a smug smile, "I feel like Ke$ha!"

"No, not McDonald's, over there!"

"You need a phone charger or something?"

"Nope, not AT&T's either, 7 eleven"

"I though you didn't need a drink, you need food or something"

"Jenny, you are doing it again so I will say it again: "Shut the hell up and let me talk!"

Jenny stopped talking and looked at Haley as if to say 'Carry on!'.

"I need, you know"

Jenny looked puzzled, "Tampons?"

"No! That was last week! Besides…I'm more of a 'pad' sort of girl. Anyway that's not what I need."

"Then what is it?" The girls were walking through the small 7 eleven parking lot.

"You know, they're for boys."

"A playboy mag?"

Haley sighed and pulled Jenny aside, she told her straight, "Condoms!"

Jenny gave Haley a very knowing look, "Given in have you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well he's been trying to get in your panties since you started dating! It's obvious!"

"That's not why I'm doing it, I feel, I don't know, 'Alive' tonight and I have **no** limits!"

"Wow! We'll have to get you to fight with your mum more often!" The girls giggled and walked into the store.

Back at the Dunphy residence Phil called everyone to dinner, Luke tumbled down the stairs and started straight away, Alex walked slowly and sat down but waited, Phil sat down and called Claire, "Claire, come for dinner?" Claire walked slowly to the table and looked at the plate, "This doesn't look like lamb chops and…"

"Okay!" Phil interrupted, "Let's all dig in to this wonderful meal!"

Everybody except Claire began eating,

"Kids?" Alex and Luke looked up, "Aren't you wondering where your sister is?"

Luke stared at his mother, "Duuh mom, she's sitting next to me!"

Alex sighed, "She means Haley idiot! We know where she is mom, he could hear **everything**!"

Claire's expression went blank, "You don't look very concerned."

"Mom, it's just like the time she got drunk in Hawaii, I'm finding it hilarious!"


	4. Chapter 4: Berry Beaver

**Haley's Bump**

**Chapter 4:**** Berry Beaver!**

Haley and Jenny walked through the store. Apart from an overweight woman at the cash register who clearly didn't know how to put on make-up correctly and what appeared to be a businessman choosing a ready meal, they were the only ones in the store. Haley was trying to be discreet but Jenny found it all very amusing.

Haley walked past some women's sanitary care items and figured that condoms may be nearby, she found them. Haley figured there was only on type of condom, just a piece of latex that acts as a protection against getting pregnant and catching STDs, but apparently not so. There were all different boxes in all shapes, sizes and colours. Haley looked worried and couldn't decide. Jenny noticed that Haley had found the condoms and walked over with a big smile on her face, she picked up a box and proudly (and loudly) said, "_Durex Pleasure Curve provides a new angle on pleasure and a new rippling sensation for both partners. The curved design creates ripples and folds, for the feeling of natural friction_,Why would you want friction? Oh my God what if you got friction burns on your..."

Haley shut her up instantly and forced the box from Jenny's hands and onto the shelf, "Jenny! Shut up! The whole store doesn't have to hear about...friction giving condoms". The two girls laughed, the businessman had left and the scary cash register woman went into a room behind the desk, she left the door open but Haley and Jenny thought that now they could have some fun, Haley picked up a box, "_Durex Her Sensation, Enhanced ribs positioned where they really make a difference plus a sensual berry scented lube makes for the ultimate in female satisfaction" _Jenny burst out laughing while trying to speak clearly, "Great, you get the best sex and your beaver will smell like berries!" Jenny could hardly breathe with the laughter but she absolutely exploded when Haley said, "Berry Beaver!"

The cash-register lady had re-entered so they tried to calm down, Jenny found a box, "Look these ones say they have extra protection, just have these". Haley's expression went blank when she realized she had to go to the scary woman and give her the box so she would know exactly what she would be up to tonight. Jenny sensed this and sighed, "Oh give them here! I'll buy them". Haley was thankful but Jenny saw this as an opportunity to have some fun. She approached the desk and greeted the woman and the register. The woman greeted her back and said the usual things they say,

"Did you find everything you wanted?"

"Yes, all I want is condoms for my boyfriend like the whore I am", Jenny looked at Haley and smiled, Haley realized this was her way of making fun of her.

"Can I interest you in a bar of Hershey's, fifty cents?"

"No but you can interest me in a deal on NuvaRings"

Haley had enough, at the exact moment Jenny paid she grabbed her by the arm along with the condoms and ran out of the store, Jenny could sense that Haley was going to start on her so she said "Come on, we gotta gets us to this party!". Jenny ran down the street and Haley followed behind.

Claire had gone to bed early, she was surrounded by the luscious duvet that gave her a hug as if to say "It's fine, don't worry" but it wasn't fine, Claire was a mother, and a mother had a way of knowing these things".


	5. Chapter 5: You better not go easy on me

**Haley's Bump**

**I am really sorry I haven't updated in so long! I have been really busy this summer and have been focusing on my ****photography. I am going to focus more on writing now.**

**Chapter 5:**** You Better Not Go Easy On Me!**

The Dunphy residence was now all too quiet. Claire was in bed but she could not sleep, Luke was playing but he could not have fun and Alex was reading but could not help wonder. She closed her book dramatically and then went to see her dad who was washing up, if you can call throwing STOUFFER'S® packets into the garbage washing up.

Alex approached Phil, "Dad?" she said it awkwardly.

"Hey Alex" answered Phil in a slurred happy tone, "How's that uuh…book you're reading coming along?"

"Yeah it's good but…"

"But it's too long? See I told you not to read that Twilight stuff, it's too big and too weird for girls your age to be…"

"Dad, I don't want to talk about the book, I want to talk about Haley"

Phil stopped what he was doing and crouched down to hear what she had to say, "What do you wanna talk about?"

"It's just that like, all the times Haley acts up she just gets shouted at and mom carries on, but this time, mom seems a bit, hurt"

"I'm sure she'll be fine"

"See? That's another thing! When she got wasted in Hawaii she just apologized and mom started feeling _sorry_ for her and you didn't even punish her anyway!"

Phil gazed lovingly right into Alex's eyes and said "Alex, I can assure you. What Haley has done is wrong, and when you do wrong things, you get punished. I know you'd love to see Haley suffer but me and your mom are gunna work this out, okay?"

Alex's expression completely changed, "Dad. That had to be the _worst _speech I have _ever_ heard!"

Alex laughed and strutted off to the living room, she picked up her hardback cover of Eclipse and relaxed on the couch reading it as if five minutes ago never happened and that she didn't care but Phil could tell she cared. It was her sister. Deep down, he knew she didn't want to see Haley get hurt.

Many blocks away, Jenny and Haley were running and skipping down the road like maniacs still laughing from their 'condom' encounter at 7 eleven. They were stone cold sober but already acting drunk. Jenny turned to look at Haley, "You sure you wanna do this now?"

"Whaddya mean am I sure?"

"Well, your not gunna run back home the second Dylan gets his dick out?"

Haley felt embarrassed at how loud she had said this but didn't want to admit that she really wasn't prepared for this,

"Run home? Bitch don't you realise?"

Jenny laughed at her pathetic attempt to sound cool, she ran over and pushed Haley. Haley screamed with joy and went to do the same but Jenny took off her heels and ran. As they chased each other down the block looking like kids, Jenny ran straight into a trash can which roared as it smacked the sidewalk.

The clanging was like a wake-up call to Haley. Like when you're having a good dream and the alarm clock goes off right at the good part. She realised that tonight is just a dream, a fantasy, she'd done too much and expected too much. She should go home.

"Wow Haley, and to think everyone at school started those rumours about you being boring, wait 'till they see you at the party acting like this, getting pissed and banging Dylan. They'll realise how epic you are"

Haley smiled at the crude compliment, and thought to herself _'Forget going home, I'm going this!'_ Haley decided to sleep through the alarm and make this dream come true.

They were at the door. Jenny pressed the doorbell and twisted her neck towards Haley "Is my make-up even?"

"Yeah, it's perfect. Mine?"

"Ummmmm, you could use a little of this"

Jenny pulled out some mascara from her purse and gave it to Haley, "Quickly! Come on!" Haley applied it and gave it back to her, the second it entered Jenny's purse the door opened. It was Zack. Zack was quite a good-looking boy with brown scruffy hair, small blue glassy eyes and a smooth complexion. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a v-neck with "I'M CLEAN NOW" written on it in bold italic lettering. He was holding a half finished bottle of Corona Extra. Jenny swooned as he locked eyes on her, she'd always had a crush on Zack.

"Hey Zack" said Jenny in a seductive tone, "Look who I brought!"

Zack was surprised when he saw Haley, "Wow, Halez! Didn't expect to see you here" Haley rolled her eyes.

"Good thing you are here, Dylan's been waiting"

Haley could see Dylan talking to his friend and barged straight in to go see him. Jenny took off her coat and unbuttoned her top to reveal her cleavage trying to seduce Zack; his eyes were nearly as big as her breasts at the sight.

Haley strutted over to Dylan and ruffled his hair. He turned around and smiled, "Haley, oh my God you're here!" Dylan was wearing very tight grey skinny jeans and a thin t-shirt with a graffiti drawing of the Union Jack on it. He placed his beer bottle on a table and gave Haley a passionate kiss. As they turned Haley looked over her boyfriend's shoulder to see Jenny giving Zack a very sexual 'hug'. Jenny saw her friend and ran over, "Halez, make sure you save me a skin, I think I've pulled Zack" Jenny beamed and Haley nodded at her friends success. "Oh and by the way, here's your…" Jenny looked at Dylan and asked "You have asked, right?" Haley walked away before Dylan could even respond, "No Jenny I haven't told him, yet"

"Well hurry up because me and Zack are gunna need to use these!" She passed the box of condoms to Haley but pulled back.

"What the hell, screw waiting for you!" Jenny pulled out a condom and found some lube in the box, there was only one.

"You don't mind if I…?" Haley didn't know what the lube was even for so she just nodded. Jenny smiled and dragged Zack upstairs. Haley knew it was now or never.

Dylan walked over to Haley and asked "What's going on?" He was smiling, he obviously knew, "Don't play games with me, Jenny text me saying you wanted to"

"The bitch!"

"Don't worry" Dylan kissed Haley, "I want to"

Haley smiled and waved the condoms "I came prepared, so you better not go easy on me!"

"Oh, don't worry about that"

So Haley, Dylan, Jenny and Zack went up the stairs, Jenny pulled Zack into the first room they passed, which coincidently was Zack's bedroom. Haley saw his parent's room and skipped in there with Dylan. As soon as Haley locked the door she knew that that was the lock on their love, and tonight thinks were going to change…


	6. Chapter 6: I don't feel any different

**Haley's Bump**

**CAUTION: The following chapter contains strong sexual refferences; those who are easily offended may want to skip this section of the story.**

**Chapter 5: I don't feel any different **

All were sleeping at the Dunphy residence. Phil cuddled Claire, Claire cuddled Phil, Alex cuddled her book that she fell asleep reading and Luke cuddled…well…nobody, not even wise old Jay or wise _young_ Manny recognized what Luke found in the playground at school, but it was something green and quite smelly. The usual half past eleven on a Friday night routine.

They snored in harmony like a choir but the soprano (cast this position due to her high pitched screams) that was Haley Dunphy had not shown up for tonight's grand concert. Instead she was at Zack's party.

Haley turned to Dylan and flung her arms around him kissing him passionately. His hands slipped down her back, then down her waist and across her hips all the way to…what comes after the hips. Dylan slowly fell backwards onto the bed with Haley across him. He pulled his arms away and took his shirt off. Haley did the same and reached for her bra strap, _should she undo it?_ Her question was answered when Dylan gently stroked his hands up her back and undid it for her. Dylan pulled himself up and romantically…motor-boated her breasts. Haley was a little disgusted.

Meanwhile, in the room across the hall Jenny and Zack were already into it. Well, at least Jenny was. She clasped it in her hand and began beating. Zack had no reaction. Jenny used two hands, still nothing. Jenny didn't want to actually put it in her mouth until the condom was on because she remembered back in health class when explained that even oral sex could lead to STI's. She stopped. "Okay the Zack, what's wrong with me?" she begged.

"Wh-what are you talking about?"

"What am I _talking_ about?" Jenny lost her temper and all sense of dignity, "I am talking about the fact I have been here, _with_ my boobs hanging out, giving your dong a handjob for the past ten minutes and still floppy, STILL FLOPPY!"

Neither Jenny nor Zack could believe what she had just said. "I-I'm sorry" she stuttered, "It's just, you know, the fact I'm here topless massaging your dick and you haven't even shown the teeniest sign of you being turned on right now. And it's just making me think that you must think I'm an ugly troll or something!"

Zack sat up and put his arm over her shoulders, "Look Jenny, you're a really attractive girl" Jenny blushed, "It's just that…"

"Oh! I get it!", beamed Jenny.

Zack was shocked, "Y-you…do?"

"Yeah", Jenny smiled. You're one of those people that doesn't want to like, lose his virginity to some girl he just got to know, you want to make _love_ right?"

Zack's expression dropped, "Not…not _exactly_"

"Oh, err, so you're a believer in no sex before marriage?"

Zack laughed, "No, no it's, it's not like that"

"Oh then you're a….ummmmm, nope, I got nothing", She flung herself back on the bed and pulled on her shoes. She started the cry because the only thought she had left was that Zack thought she was ugly and only took her upstairs to have sex out of pity. Zack saw her mascara running and he came and comforted her, "So…" he whispered, "Do you wanna know the _real _reason why?" They both exchanged serious looks.

Across the hall Dylan was applying the condom, Haley watched excitedly as he crawled onto her and kissed her gently then, he was inside her. Haley didn't know what she was doing but it was okay for her, Dylan was clearly about to do all the work. She felt the stimulation and clasped her mouth. They went at it for a while, minutes had passed and then, Dylan moved funnily. "You okay?" gasped Haley, Dylan yanked his head back and screamed, he'd ejaculated. He looked at Haley right in the eyes; "I am now" They smiled. "Did you like that?" Haley thought now would have been a good time to say something sexual but instead, "I don't feel any different".


End file.
